Today, I forgot to weigh myself. So that will be tomorrow’s task I am afraid. I woke up later than I wanted to this morning. I am out of coffee that isn’t Maxwell House or Folders. Lately, when I have been making coffee using the low quality quick fix, I just haven’t been drinking it. It is wasteful.
Tomorrow I will weigh myself first thing. I will see where I am at then. How do I feel at this very moment? Tired. Exhausted mentally speaking. Emotionally, I am wiped clean. My mind is a total blurry abyss where only momentary thoughts bounce wall to wall as though one was playing Atari. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce-Bounce.
With my personality, I soak up people’s energy like a sponge. This too gets heightened as exhaustion sets in my bones. When I am not alert, I tend to let others negative energy creep in and then out of no where I just blow-up! The negativity walks all over me and I am too tired to one, acknowledge it’s presence and two let go of it. When I am alert, on the contrary, I realize when I am holding others frustrations and I can protect myself. It isn’t just keeping my guard up, although I need to be doing that too. I just simply need to acknowledge its presence and release the negativity at once.
Tuesday morning, one incident happened at work which ended up being the catalyst to an epic volcanic eruption. I let it stew up until I went out to lunch with my dad around 1 p.m. Volcano erupted. I mean, lava and soot everywhere sort of eruption!
Frustrations were expressed in an explosive fashion. I cried. I was having trouble fighting back further frustrations and most of all I was second guessing everything I was doing at this point in my life. To have a meltdown moment as such is a real wake up call.
I even went as far as doubting myself. I have not been that way for an extremely long time. Upon processing the eruption, I feel it was an attack and I wrote it off. Just keep going little engine.
I feel weak in spirit. Discouraged. Trampled even. That is not the Catie that everyone knows and loves. It just isn’t! So why is it so hard to get back on track again? I want to be the beautifully optimistic positive young lady that everyone wants know! I don’t want to be this negative ugly mess that I allowed to be so. I want to be so much better than I was Tuesday! That alone is my choice.
Currently (I think) I am done spewing ash into the airwaves. The molten lava has begun to harden again creating new surface for which I can again build a foundation for improvement. I have successfully recovered and now begins the rebuilding process.
These eruptions do not define me nor do they constitute further digression. I am only human. I get it. Thank goodness for freedom of choice! My progression is my choice. My attitude is also my choice.
Starting today, I am choosing to retrieve that beautifully positive woman. I know that she still exists. I want to give others hope and in order to do that I must possess hope. I want to believe anything and everything is possible again! I want to be the encourager; oh to be the cheerleader again…I want my confidence back. I can do it.
I CAN do this…stay tuned!